“Nah, man – this will be fine. I’ve GOT THIS!”

“Hmmm.. well, he’s kind of small, hey?”

“Hell yeah, he’s small – I’m gonna thrash him. Anyway, I’m outta here.”

‘Oh this? Oh it’s nothing.  Anyway we’re leaving Troy, so don’t worry about us. We’re going back to Greece.’

‘But what’s with the horse Aeneas? And why so big? Usually people just give gold if anything.’

‘Look, we’re just giving you a horse here Priam. A nice horse. Just take it into your city, definitely don’t look inside it or set it on fire or anything, just leave the big wooden horse somewhere.’

‘Well, I guess. Seems odd though.’

‘IT’S NOT ODD, PRIAM. IT’S JUST A GIFT.’

‘Sorry?’

‘The monkey shit. All that.’

‘I’m not quite getting you.’

‘Oh come on Charles – the Origin of the fucking blah blah. The monkey book. Why does this have to be so complex?’

‘Sorry, I didn’t understand what you were saying. Yes, well, in my trip to the Galapagos Islands — arguably the world’s most pristine example of uninterrupted growth amongst species — I observed–’

‘You’re saying we come from monkeys, yeah?’

‘Not exactly. Yes, fundamentally, we’ve evolved from –’

‘That’s not right.’

‘I’m not saying we are monkeys, by any means.’

‘It’s just wrong though.’

‘I don’t know, I kinda like Jesus.’

’30 pieces of silver – you could buy a house, a couple of horses, live the good life man!’

‘Yeah you might be on to something… I think he’s been acting strange lately anyway.’

‘I’m not really thirsty.’

‘It’s nice. It’s Kool-Aid.’

‘Yeah, just not thirsty. I’ll drink it later, Reverend.’

‘Okay… it’s just that maybe you should drink it now.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s hot! It’s a nice drink… it’s hot weather. Perfect for a nice cold drink of Kool-Aid.’

‘Jim, I feel weird about how you’re asking me to drink this?’

‘Why? Because I want you to be refreshed? C’mon, bro!’

“Yep, same.”

“We’re all so hungry.”

“Uh huh, yep. I saith unto ye, how many loaves or whatevs do we have?”

“Some kid gave us five loaves of bread.”

“Oh great, that’s good news. That’ll feed 5000 people.”

“C’mon, stay positive. We also rustled up a couple of fish.”

“That’s ridiculous. Shall we just eat then, leave these fellas to their devices?”

“What will they do? They are as sheep not having a shepherd.”

“I don’t know. I’ll work something out.”

“What?”

“Fuck ‘em, give me a fish sandwich.”

“Jesus!”

“Bro, c’mon. Jokes. I’ll sort something out.”

“But Mr. President, we’ve had some legitimate threats.”

“I don’t care –- get me a drop top or I’m not going out there.”

“Is what?”

“That.”

“What?!”

“That’s a baby, Josef.”

“A what?”

“Josef! Where did you get it?”

“Found it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, our estranged daughter came back when you were up the shops and gave me a baby.”

“Do… Jesus… did she look okay?”

“Yeah, she looked good.”

“She didn’t look sick? Or crazy?”

“She looked good, I’m serious.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, yeah. Turned up, gave me the baby, I said no problems, she left. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Louis, I dunno. You and your dad have been fighting wars and sending troops to America, and it’s expensive. People aren’t happy.”

“Let’s celebrate the merchants too. Those hard-working aristocrats are bringing in more taxes than I know what to do with. Let’s have lavish lunches… Pass me my bejewelled sceptre, I want to ride through the poor parts of town, and will need to smack any famished wretch who tries to touch my silken breeches.”

“Louis, it just seems like a bad idea. I kinda feel like the people will resent conspicuous displays of wealth while our state is failing.”

“Oh shut up Jean-Jacques you wet blanket. What are they going to do?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re definitely thinking about something.”

“I’m not, seriously.”

“Adolf, tell me… Adolf?”

“Okay! Okay! I’m thinking about the final solution! Are you happy?”

“I wasn’t –”

“Shut up, Eva. Just shut up! You never believed in it!”